F*$#K It!!

Some times I feel like throwing my middle finger up to the world & saying Fuck You, everyone, Just; "Fuck You."  Ooooh... now I've got some saying, "Not me," Lol, Yeah, Not you.  

Doesn't it seem though, the more you try to find your "spot," your "nitch," the more people are just stepping in to say.. "Woah.. Not so fast, You Don't REALLY belong here."?I hope my experience; is just that, Mine.  It's really a shitty existence to live.  I'm not writing a "BooHoo" Blog today, don't get that twisted. I think it's more a FUCK IT blog.

  For Years and years I've tried to "fit in" and to please people, all I ever wanted in return was mostly to just be loved.  Sounds thirsty and pathetic, But when you loose your entire family at the age of 4; it's what you learn. Living with Other "orphans" and "wards of the State" was like living in your own "hunger Games" It was a competition always. A competition for attention, clothes, toys, food and the most important; a Family. I could Never be myself, because there was something wrong with me. I was Unwanted, Unloved and LOST.  So I learned to adapt and be whatever I Needed to be to get what I needed. What my true thoughts or feelings were never mattered, because I never allowed myself to form any. I was bad, dirty and undesirable and what I had to think or feel about anything or anyone did not help. So I learned at very young age to sell myself out. I allowed a world to just throw me away and make me into whatever It wanted from me.

I bring up the beginning because in my opinion that's the best place to start. I find myself reverting to this bullshit still today and it pisses me off. Looking for acceptance and love, while I watch myself fade away and I'm only More & More Lost. People say I have a good heart, I say I have war-torn heart. I say, I have a lonely soul. and I say, "FUCK IT."

She's,,,,,,

,

She's got a heart of gold, that's what they've all been told.

She's Lost on a dark path, lost her way...

That's what they All say.

Use her up and spit her out were the directions found on her,

Take her Kindness, Her tears and compassion,

She won't remember one more scar, it's all a blur.

Used by those she loved and thrown away by those she trusted,

It's all a fucked up game she's played till she's Busted.

Trust, Love, Falling... then PAIN.

It's all the same story just a different user, the end is always the same.

Some are just ment to be here Alone, 

Some are just Travelers in this Fucked up place with no real home.

Disposable. the lesson she learned First,

Tossed into danger by her mother, first learned and the worse.

Taken in, pushed out and left to wonder why,

She's always stood alone, stood strong with that fake smile,

but smiles fade even the fake ones after a while.

The Unlovable Ones,,,,

So... I've decided some people are just Not made for "feelings". Seriously Fuck them, these tiny hurricanes that fill you with excitement and Hope? Yeah, I'm pretty sure God makes some people, just UnLovable, Unacceptable & Really just a distraction to be used until someone "Better" Comes along. I'm not really sure what makes the UnLovable, UnLoved? Is it a secret gene not discovered yet? Is it just evil? A darkness that lives within pushing real love away and inviting in destruction. And Why?? are these Unlovables so willing to to try over and over again? Is it because we just love Pain? Or do we secretly hold out hope that maybe the darkness will fade one day and the light within our eyes will catch some Grace for us? Like I said ... "I'm just not sure."  I just know feelings are a fucking waste of time... Unless you're the Lovable Ones. </3

Paper Flowers

There are days I feel like I'm made of paper..... A paper flower, just drifting, sometimes flying through a vicious storm stream that is my life.  It's easy to smile and twinkle an eye, maybe flash a wink to let you all think everything's great in this fucked up lost world. I get annoyed by a whiner, so I hold in everything I've deemed unnecessary feelings or thoughts. In a world full of people that have constantly thrown you away, You Learn to censor yourself.... so you're more "Likable". If you're not cute, if you're not happy, if you're not a success you don't get a family in an orphanage....  Those monthly "interviews" with a young couple, they'd take you out to Mc D's but you knew they didn't want you, they wanted the little baby they were staring at with sad eyes.

So yeah, I guess I've learned to be Lost, embrace a feeling of never really belonging in a certain place. I do know that I'm home around my kids, my very first Blood family in my life. Well,.... at least that I can have, or that I found. As I watch all my kids grow and pull away more and more, as they form their own relationships and plans for the futures ahead, I realize how alone I'm soon to be. The idea terrifies me, Back to Alone... Back to goodbyes... Back to Life.

Lost Girl...

Why Lost? Why "LostGirl?" Why? I'm asked that often enough that I've gotten the shortest answer. Because I'm Fucking Lost/ No, I don't mean mentally Lost... Though at times I admit it would be easier to claim mental issues some days. But, sadly,,, No I'm in pretty good control of my mental faculties. I can only blame my present situation on my self. I don't know, I feel so different about so many things that nothing really feels family anymore, aside from my kids and a few friends. Married for damn near 18 years, living through hell and back only to end up here? I really don't get it. I've fought my whole life to have a family of my own and you just Stop being You. No warnings, No goodbyes or explanations other then I'm not good enough for you and your God now. For years I was the "Spiritual one" while you believed in nothing... Well, nothing but tearing me down for my beliefs, Burning my library, refusing to see me perform....It's really always been about you though hasn't it? What YOU think.... 

I used to give a fuck about what you thought... and I honestly try to still care. You only share a vomited out version of some Televangelist, who has you making everyone around you your enemy all of sudden. NO one is good enough anymore. We aren't allowed to love life anymore. It's all a FUCKING Sin in yours eyes and I'm breaking! STOP Trying to fix me I'm NOT Broken, You make me feel like such shit about myself.,,,,

Myself... I am by myself. Yes, I have my children. But I was adopted at the of 7 and since then my entire adoptive family have past on. I also get to hear you debate over my loved ones eternal life "Heaven" or "Hell"... Seriously? Shut the fuck up. You haven't lost anyone and I've Lost people my entire life and now You want me to Loose MYSELF... I can't do that for you.

 I'm literally going to have to start out alone.... I'm Lost. and those crossroads ...

just trying to figure shit out. I wish this was all a bad dream